Don’t only give yourself permission to fail. Expect to fail, congratulate yourself on the risks you took, and move forward!
I was inspired to write this article introducing the idea of celebrating your failures after discovering the story of entrepreneur Sara Blakely, the founder of Spanx. In one of her interviews, she shares how her father would expect her and her brother to report to him every night at the dinner table with a story of how they failed that day. She shares an example of informing him that she did horrible in tryouts, and he high-fived her. She tells her audience that this was such a gift and she only realized this years later.
Redefining Failure
Sara Blakely learned from her father that failure is not about the outcome, but about not trying. The fear of failure is one of the greatest fears in life, especially among entrepreneurs. It stops us in our tracks and keeps us from trying something.
By celebrating our failures, talking about them, taking pride in the risks we took, and learning from our mistakes, we completely reframe what it means to fail. We come to realize that it is more of a failure to not try than to put ourselves out there and risk our sense of safety and security.
A Growth Mindset
Many of us have aspirations and dreams, but we are not willing to go through the hardships that lead to the fulfillment of these dreams. This is not to say that the road to your version of “success” is inherently difficult, but difficulties can arise and when they do, we are much better off seeing them as opportunities for growth rather than obstacles to success and a good life. Consider how the challenges you are facing will shape you into the individual that will feel stronger, more empowered, and more resilient. If you keep your heart open, these challenges will also prepare you to have compassion and empathy for those who struggle in ways that you once struggled. You will have the wisdom to support and encourage them to continue on and believe in their vision. The fun does not end when you achieve what you aspired to achieve. There is more fulfillment to be found in motivating and uplifting others.
Calculated Risk
The fear of failure can be so overwhelming that it can cloud our vision and lead us to believe that all could be lost if we slip and mess up. Consider that such a catastrophic outcome is very unlikely and your “failure” may not be as consequential as you imagine. If anything, it is likely to give you the gift of personal growth, as there is always something that you can learn from your mistakes (if you can call them that).
Break down your fears: Write them down or talk them out with someone who can remain objective for you. Reflect on the worst case scenarios and ask yourself the likelihood of these scenarios really happening. Also consider why hope would not be lost if these outcomes did happen. Think about what small actions you could take now to work towards your goals and dreams and acknowledge that these actions are not all-or-nothing. Your ultimate well-being and safety does not depend on the outcome of these small actions. Calculate your risk and take action in ways that feel safe but still get you out of your comfort zone.
Don’t Take Life too Seriously
When you find that you are worrying, overanalyzing, and caving to stress, simplify your life and make time for things that will center you and leave you feeling better. Perhaps spend time with friends, laugh, get some exercise, have nourishing meals, do yoga, and make manageable but promising changes to your lifestyle. Prioritize your well-being, because when you are feeling good, decisions will come easy, you will enjoy your work, you will think more creatively, and you will be inspired to take action in innovative ways. Save the big decisions for days where you are feeling good. On days where you are feeling emotional and vulnerable to stress, cut yourself some slack and lighten your load. The more you do this, the more sustainable your efforts will be. The “balance” that we seek in life does not look the same every week or even every day. Some days we can accomplish more and some days we need to give ourselves permission to do less. If you want to succeed, don’t push yourself to the brink of insanity on days that you need to rest. Just rest.
Allow Yourself to be Supported
We all have our strengths and our weaknesses. We are not meant to be good at everything and do everything on our own. We also cannot expect ourselves to be high-performing at everything we do. You are only human. Have compassion for yourself and allow yourself to be less than great if you are at the beginning of a learning curve. Also, allow yourself to be subpar at a task that is not within your expertise, or delegate it to others who can do it better and in a shorter amount of time. And if you are learning a new skill, welcome all the support you can get your hands on. Be willing to be vulnerable: Share how you are struggling and allow others to support you. You will be surprised by how much others want to help. If receiving help is difficult for you- great! You are aware of it. Now set the intention to allow others to help you and be patient with yourself as you gradually allow yourself to be supported.
Help Others
When you are feeling discouraged about where you are on your path, sometimes it can help to be of service to others. In the yogic tradition there is a source of suffering referred to as Asmita: egoism, or making it all about us. This source of suffering implies that we identify too strongly with things that are not refections of the true “self”. As an example, perhaps we identify too strongly with our failures, our “mediocre” careers, our relationship status, or our past mistakes. When we bring the focus away from ourselves by focusing on others and on the bigger picture (how we are part of a community and we are not “independent” and “alone”), we tend to feel better. When I am pitying myself, I sometimes organize a free event where I offer healing work for free to anyone who wants to attend. My friends and clients may think I am doing it for them, but I am really doing it for myself because giving generously to them reminds me why I do what I do. I did not start a business for myself, but because I wanted to help and serve others. They benefit of course, but I need the reminder that I take these risks because I enjoy connecting with others and seeing others feel good about themselves.
Be Patient
One of the biggest obstacles to progress is impatience. Perhaps you have heard the following quote:
“In nature, nothing is rushed, and yet everything is accomplished”
Allow the process to unfold at a natural pace and have faith that this pace is most appropriate for you. If things progressed too quickly then you would be overwhelmed, and if they progressed too slowly then you would lose motivation. The key is to find the balance between action and inaction.
“There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you, and there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.”― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid
Listen to your intuition, and when you feel it is time to act, then act. When you feel it is time to stop and reflect, allow yourself this time to pause. The former represents our divine masculine (action, ambition, accomplishment) and the latter represents our divine feminine nature (rest, creativity, inspiration). We need both for our path to unfold smoothly.
“Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can’t go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.”― Margaret Atwood, The Penelopiad
There is an element of surrender implied in this. We must acknowledge that we are not entirely in control and that we must go with the flow. When we force too much, our masculine nature is in excess. When we give up and hold back from acting (feel paralyzed), our feminine nature is in excess. Find a balance between the two by listening to your inner guidance and trusting it.
Enjoy Your Life
And last, but not least, enjoy the moment! Have the courage to follow your heart, because the heart will not mislead you.
“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.” — Rumi (Jalal ad-Din Muhammad ar-Rumi)